Annoyed

Seriously.. That’s exactly how I feel now with this new guy at work. He is such a sad excuse for a manager and I have no idea how they employed him at the first place. I mean, what were they thinking right? I wonder how he manage to get away with the interview? And to think that he actually earns a 5 figure for the shitty work he’s doing… makes it even WORSE. He’s is such an a$$.

Right, this douche bag joined us about 3 months ago right before fasting month. The moment I saw him for the first time, I had the feeling that this guy will be a pain and I smelled trouble. True enough wey! He is exactly what I thought he would be. Since the day he joined, he keep giving excuse that he’s a new with the whole process and procedure. I don’t see him taking any initiative to improve himself and to take part in any of the projects available. As a manager, there are guideline given for him to follow and understand and he… well, to put it short.. not from this world. He has his own way of doing things which none of us know about and often. I bet his brain is not functioning properly already.

Ada jugak la orang macam nih? How can a human live without any conscious. All of us work and live a hard life. Sure la when it comes to work, nothing is simple and there’s always an issue you come across. But that is how you roll. That is how you learn and that is how you improve yourself from time to time. And gradually, you will be good at what you’re doing and you will easily move forward. But how can someone be so ignorant towards his own work and pretend like nothing’s going on around them? I just couldn’t understand. You see this fella for example, he asked questions repeatedly and when you answer him, I don’t think he register anything you say it in his mind and will ask it again after a few days. He is un-approachable and is totally not friendly and I think he’s also a bit racists. How can you be like that when you are working in an organization with requires co-operation from all party? We work as a team and in a team, you have to hold your role and be useful. Otherwise, you will be ignored. And that is exactly what the others are doing to him. They are ignoring him cos he does not bring any value nor even input or suggestions. All he have to say is that he’s struggling to understand the process. And he will annoyingly laugh that sarcastic laugh to something you explain to him. You will sincerely try to make him understand and you can see from the look on his face, he’s really not paying any attention and he cares shit about what you’re talking about. Macam cakap dengan tembok tau. That’s how it is…

Only Allah can help us on this one and even the others are feeling the same way too. It difficult to communicate with people like this and I am already at the verge of giving up and ignoring him too. 

Only You Can Love Me This Way

Here's a beautiful song from Keith Urban. Just in case if you're wondering, who the heck is he. Well, he's Nicole Kidman's husband and a very famous country song singer from Australia. Yup! he's a darn good looking Aussie and a find man for Nicole not like that jerk Tom Cruise who left her for another woman. Seem this song he sang for his darling wife Nicole. Ain't it sweet? Must be wonderful to have a caring and loving man in your life.
Hmm.. sometimes life can get lonely especially when you're feeling down and have no one you can talk to or hold your hand and say things are going to be alright. Sigh! i miss those days..

Well, hope I can have a special someone to sing me this song some day.. :) 

Well, I know there's a reason

And I know there's a rhyme

We were meant to be together

And that's why

We can roll with the punches

We can stroll hand in hand

And when I say it's forever

You understand

That you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

But when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner

I could have gone another place

Then I'd of never had this feeling

That I feel today, yeah

And you're always in my heart

Always on my mind

When it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Ooh

And you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

And when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Ooh

Only you can love me this way

The Audience and the Player

Here's a beautiful advice..

IF PEOPLE CRITICIZE YOU,
HURT YOU,
OR SHOUT AT YOU,
DON'T BE BOTHERED...
JUST REMEMBER
IN EVERY GAME,
THE AUDIENCE...
MAKES THE NOISE,
NOT THE PLAYERS ;)

I want to become a player. So, I'll just shut up and make sure I play my game well.

Have a beautiful day everyone!

Luahan Hati

Hmm… here I am again, in a state of mix feelings and overwhelmed with emotional pain.

Crying now… I’m tired. I just don’t want to go through this anymore.

Why? Why do I deserve to be hurt over and over again? Apakah salah aku untuk curahkan segala kasih sayang terhadap dia. Jaga dia, sayang dia… and in the end, for what? To be treated this way. Why do I keep falling into all those lies, all those promises, all those false hopes, all those fake emotions?

Ya Allah! Letih sungguh.

Ok… lama tak singgah sini. Rindu juga untuk luahkan hati dan perasan yang terkubur lama. Bukan sengaja, tapi terleka. Terlalu mengikut pengedaran masa sampai lupa untuk berhenti seketika untuk diri sendiri. That’s right, I hardly give time for myself. I’m living my life for others and they take me for granted. Sigh! Penat la. Sedih sangat bila hati nie dilukai oleh insan tersayang. Orang yang tak memahami, orang yang tak peduli.

I just don’t wish to go through all these sad emotions anymore. And I still have hope and I do pray and asking Allah’s blessing to help me get through these tough times. InsyaAllah, I still do believe, there’s a solution to all problems. You just have to have faith and believe.

Why don’t you talk your feelings out to someone, you may ask?? Well, tak semua yang sudi mendengar luahan hati kita. Semuanya sibuk dengan hal sendiri. Setengah tue mengaku jer kawan baik, but apparently they’re not. I just don’t want to hear anymore of those “dah la, dah la” shit from friends who tend to shut you off cos they’re not interested to hear you. All they know what to say is “dah la tu jangan seedy sedey, dah nasib nak buat macam mana, dah la jangan piker bukan bukan, dah la jangan sensitive sangat, sabar fazi, banyakkan berdoa…” WTF huh? Salah ke you all dengar dulu luahan hati aku. Dengar dulu apa aku nak kata. Instead if giving me all these cheap crappy, pointless advices, why don’t you just stay silent and listen to me? You all ingat aku tak tau nak buat ke menda nie semua hah? Bersabar, jangan sedih, banyakkan berdoa… Kalau tak tahu buat semua tue, tak la aku hidup sampai skarang. Why is it when someone in need of a friend to talk to, turns to you and you go ahead and push them away with all these “dah la.. dah la..” nonsense?Sure you're busy, so please go ahead and tell that person, you're busy. Don't waste their time, hurt their feelings and in the end, make it worse. 

I was confused and in need of someone to talk to.. Thank God I get to turn to the one and only friend who I know will listen closely to me and comfort me. Sadly, people like this, aku pulak yang tak keep in touch. Bodoh jugak aku sometimes. So sorry Sharon. I’m so sorry for not keeping in touch with you. Sometimes, I forget how I need a good friend to be with me. You’re there.. and I am still wandering. I had a long chat with her the other day, and I tell you, I’m blessed to have her. She listened, she cared for me, she advices me and she comforted me. That’s what I want. 

I’m not sure what I should call this post.. Luahan Hati perhaps cos it’s just how I feel now. I need to start thinking more of myself, concentrate on what’s best for me as well. To love another is important, but to love yourself, it takes a great deal and its far more important then anything else. 

Jar of Hearts

Right now, I feel this song sorta describe what I am going through.. But no, it has nothing to do with boyfriend problem. Still, being hurt by your love ones is the most severe pain anyone could ever experience.

Yes, I am hurt and sadly by someone I love dearly and care so much for. All I can think of saying is…

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

Series of Emotions...

There are things in life we just couldn’t explain. 

For instance, why do we cry sometimes when we're happy? It's an unexplainable reaction but people call it tears of joy. When our heart is overwhelmed with emotion, we just couldn’t resist shedding tears. You are just too happy, you feel like crying.

People do crazy things when they are over-powered with emotions.  Things you do when you are happy, sad, angry or scared. When you are confused, frustrated, disappointed or mad. For instance, how a mother cries and hugs her son because she’s proud of him, seeing him graduating top of his class. When a father is very angry and scolds his child for breaking his favourite guitar. When a sad woman gives up in life and decided to commit suicide just because her stupid boyfriend is seeing someone else. When a child is too scared to sleep alone after watching a horrible ghost movie, woke the parents up in the middle of the night. Or maybe when you start pulling your hair or biting your nails because you’re confused and out of ideas on how to complete your assignments.

Weird isn’t it…

Speaking about sad emotions, most people like to keep their problems to themselves. No one knows what’s causing their grief or why they’re unhappy. Most people don’t like to talk about their problems or discuss with others on how they feel. Nor do they try to work on finding solutions to overcome it. No matter what happen to them, they just quietly accept it as fate and choose to be silent. Yeah sure, remaining silent pays off at times, but you need to remember, if your sad emotion is not managed properly, it can build up and often sparks anger when you just couldn’t hold it anymore. When this happens, you tend to show it off on people around you, especially the ones you love. Often, people who are sad and depressed, end up bursting into emotion stress condition and most of the time, the action taken during this period always end up in remorse.

That is exactly what I experienced last weekend. Yes! I was overcome with emotion, I was just too sad and depressed, I cried for no apparent reason… just suddenly burst into tears. I said some things I now regret and wish I haven't said.

Banyak sangat ujian hidup yang terpaksa ditempuhi. Especially bila orang yang kita sayangi ialah yang paling banyak menguji kesabaran kita. I was left feeling sad, confused and frustrated when my love is taken for granted. Semuanya ada saja yang tak kena, semuanya ada saja nak menguji. Kesabaran kita diuji semakin hari until it comes to a point where you just couldn’t take it anymore. I often keep quiet and I kept my emotions silently with me because I don't want anyone to know how I feel. Probably because, I was afraid, people might not understand. So often I just burst into tears and cried myself to sleep.

Lately, my relationship with dad has been quite sore. There are things he does I just couldn’t come in terms with, especially when it involves mum. He gets angry very quickly and small matters seem to spark his anger these days. He say things to hurt mum’s feeling and when he does, I just couldn’t stand to see my mum left hurt and feeling sad. But to my surprise, she just ignores it and chooses to remain quiet. I've asked her many times, and everytime she says, years of being married to him, she understands him well and knows he doesn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Now that his high-blood pressure is quite high, he is in alot of stress and I know it is not easy. We are very worried for his health as he needs a lot of rest and he should be relaxing more. It hurts to see him feeling this way but at the same time it is painful for me too.. all those hurtful words is really bringing me down. I thought my dad and I can't get along well anymore so I came to think the best possible way to avoid any further inconveniences for both of us is to try and avoid him.

What was I thinking? How could I do that? What kind of daughter would I be if I cannot get along with my own father. The same man who raised me up and taught me about what's right and what's wrong. I failed to understand, that at times like this... he needs his family's love, understanding and support even more. I shouldn't give up just because of a few misunderstanding. Sure I'm hurt, but like my friend said, I should understand the situation and look at the matter from the positive side. I should be patience and I should learn how to manage this situation better. No matter what, I just shouldn't be away from him. I shouldn't give up.

Pa… There are times when your words has hurt my feelings many times. I often walk away without saying anything. No matter how hurt my feelings are, no matter how you try to push me away, I will still love you Pa.. and I can't imagine staying away from you. I love you so much. But all I'm asking is just some understanding from you. Please try to understand how much I love you and how I look up to you Pa. I know you still love me and care for me and even now, you are still there to protect us. How can I forget the times you used to love this little girl of yours. I still remember and cherish those times when you use to hold my hand and keep me safe. When I was young, you would carry me on your shoulder and take me out for morning walks. Still remember how I use to look down at your smile and how you will tell me stories and never fail to answer my questions. Still remember how you use to make me smile and when mum scolds me, I will run up to you and rest on shoulder. I know I can’t expect all those things anymore as I am a big girl now. True, your little girl has grown up to be an independent women but no matter what I am or who I have become, I am still and forever will be your little, youngest girl Pa. So this same girl still longing for your love. Just hope you will understand me even more. Though I have grown up… I am still here and I will forever be looking up to you.

Sigh! Emotions can be stressful at times. I didn’t like what happened but at the same time, I realized that I also didn’t try to manage the problem efficiently. I couldn’t explain why it must happen either. It just did and now, all I have to do is console myself and move on. Sure things happen to us can be unfair at times, but that doesn’t mean, you can let your emotion take control of you.

All I can say is that I learned a very valuable lesson from all this. I am not a perfect person in solving problems even sometimes problems of my own. I am just a normal person with normal feelings and I tend to be wrong and make mistakes sometimes too. But, I am trying to learn from my mistakes and look for ways to solve my problems rather then bottling it all up.

Ya Allah… kuatkan lah semangat aku. Berikan aku kemampuan dan kekuatan untuk meneruskan hidup ini dengan sebaik baiknya. Please love my family and protect them from any harm and wrong doings. I just wish the best for them and I will forever love them will all my heart. 

Insya'Allah..

Terharu dengar Maher Zain, one of my favorite Nasyid singer menyanyi lagu famous nie in Malay version. His pronunciation of every word in this Malay version is so perfect as if he’s been speaking Malay all these while. It’s just simply amazing. May Allah SWT bless him always as his songs have reached out to millions of people both Muslims and non-Muslims all around the world. His voice has really touched and inspired a lot of people.

Last Friday I was at a friend’s wedding. They played this song in English version. I was so touched to see young children singing along to his song. They can practically sing the whole song, moving every word of it. This is even my 5 year old nephew’s favourite song. He will always ask me.. “Makcik Ila, cheq nak dengar lagu InsyaAllah…” and when I play it for him, he loves to sing along.  

Maher Zain – InsyaAllah (Malay version)

Andainya..

Kau rasa tak berupaya

Hidup sendirian tiada pembela

Segalanya suram, bagai malam yang gelap

tiada bantuan, tiada tujuan

Janganlah berputus asa..

Kerana Allah bersamamu..

[chorus] x2

InsyaAllah… InsyaAllah…

InsyaAllah… Ada Jalannya…

Andainya..

Kesalmu berulang lagi

Bagai tiada ruang untuk kembali

Tika keliru atas kesilapan lalu

Membelenggu hati dan fikiranmu

Janganlah berputus asa…

Kerana Allah bersamamu…

[chorus] x2

InsyaAllah… InsyaAllah…

InsyaAllah… Ada Jalannya…

Kembalilah….

Kepada yang Esa

Yakin padaNya, panjatkanlah doa..

OOoo~ Ya Allah…

Pimpinlah daku dari tersasar

Tunjukkan daku ke jalan yang benar..

Jalan yang benar…Jalan yang benar..

Jalan yang benar…

[chorus]

InsyaAllah… InsyaAllah…

InsyaAllah… Ada Jalannya…

Anjaana Anjaani

I don't usually post any bollywood songs but this particular song I really like. I saw the movie last week and I totally love this song.

This song is from a Bollywood movie “Anjaana Anjaani”. It’s a story about 2 total strangers Kiara and Aakash. Aakash had a huge lost on a business dealing and has to clear a huge loan of $12 million, which he is unable to. Unable to find any means, suicide seems the only option to him. He decides to jump off the George Washington Bridge. This is when he bumps into Kiara, who is also bound to commit suicide because she caught her fiancée cheating on her. They both try to put an end to their lives but are deterred by the coastguards.

They attempts to commit suicide several times but things just seem to fail them everytime. Thinking both might have some uncompleted tasks, both of them decided to end their lives on New Year’s Eve. With 20 days to go, they decide to fulfill their unfinished wishes and thus begin their journey and somehow they just fall in love with each other with realizing it.

Tu na Jaane Aas Pass Hain Khudah

Dhundhla jaayein jo manzilein

Ik pal ko tu nazar jhuka

Jhuk jaaye sar jahan wahin

Milta hai rab ka raasta

Teri kismat tu badal de

Rakh himmat bas chal de

Tere saathi mere kadmon ke hain nishaan

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda 4x

If your destinations get hazy,

lower your sight for a moment,

wherever your head bows down,

That is where you will find your way to God,

You Change your own luck,

So be strong and just start moving,

I will be following behind you,

Cos you don't know God is always nearby..

Khud pe daal tu nazar, Haalaton se haar kar

Kahaan chala re

Haath ki lakeer ko, Modta marodta,

Hai hausla re

Toh khud tere khwabon ke rang mein

Tu apne jahan ko bhi rang de

Ke chalta hoon main tere sang mein

Ho shaam bhi toh kya

Jab hoga andhera

Tab paayega dar mera

Uss dar pe phir hogi teri subah

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda 4x

When you are lost against all circumstances,

Where do you go?

The lines are all turned and twisted,

But you take the courage to color your dreams,

And you will Color your world too,

Cos I will walk with you,

Even if it's evening or even in darkness,

We will seek our way to brightness, 

Cos you don't know God is always nearby..

Mitt jaate hain sabke nishaan

Bas ek woh mitt ta nahin haye

Maan le jo har mushkil ko marzi meri haye

Ho humsafar na tera jab koi

Tu ho jahan rahunga main wahi

Tujhse kabhi na ik pal bhi main judaa

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda,

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda..

When all signs are erased,

Consider every of your problem is my will,

When there is nobody to accompany you,

I'll be there where ever you are,

I'm never be away from you for even a moment,

Cos you don't know God is always nearby..

Cos you don't know God is always nearby.. 

Sucker Punch

I went into a briefing just now. It was about leasing program for system technology and its processes and procedures. Since I was invited, I went in thought I can get an inside of what this whole leasing program is all about. I have dealt with leasing orders before. I somehow know what the processes are and what the requirements are.

But just now, after seeing all the other people in the briefing interacting with the speaker and asking him questions about the leasing. Suddenly I felt so stupid sitting there feeling clueless and totally unaware what the heck that fella was talking about. Yeah... it was about something I use to deal with, but it all seems so new and there were a lot of processes and procedures he was talking about. Sigh! I need to beef up my knowledge in the IT industry even more I guess. Working in the IT environment world and feeling clueless about it is not something good.

Rasa macam bodoh jer tadi. Semua pandai jer bertanya soalan… aku duduk situ totally blur. They were talking about global market values, trade financing, working capital… bla bla bla bla… This SUCKS!

How am I supposed to interact with the outside world if I have no idea what the world is moving into?

I really need to start moving forward cos honestly.. I am kinda feeling like i'm left behind here :(

A Journey Through 2010

Right.. I don’t have any particular reason for my absence here.. same ole same ole.

Probably I was waiting for some inspiration to come along and motivate me to jot down my chronicles. Here I am, while listening to some soothing jazz music, I hope it'll inspire me to start fresh.

So, since I promised myself I will list down those interesting things I did in 2010… before I turn (ehem)..

Well, I had my fair share of memories from 2010. It's still not too late to relate it here cos hey! This is still the month of January 2011 right? New Year seems to pass so fast with so many things around to be worried about. What I can tell you is that a lot of things happened to me in 2010 and the most significant win of all (Drum roll…) is the changes I brought down on… me.
Yes! I took the extra mile and managed to win myself over. I got myself up from the nightmare and work myself for a better, happier, healthier and a wonderful life. Getting myself use to “Living my life the healthier way”. It all started early April when I finally realize, I need to do something about myself. I asked myself "How long do I have to suffer being F.A.T.?" (Gulp!) It was a bit scary when I imagine how my life's gonna turn out to be when I get old. SO IT SHOULD START NOW... and I’m glad I woke up. Now, I'm proud to say I'm a “Prior Fat Girl” and I’m happy to report I've lost weight almost 18kg. I'm still on the chubby side though cos there's still a long way to go. But I'm not going to stop here. I am going to continue fighting and live my life up to the standards. But I'm happy with the result that I've obtained so far. Gosh! I must admit, it wasn't something easy to follow. You've gotta be strict, you must be firm and most importantly… you must have self-discipline. It's tough with all the temptation, the starvation and agony. You had to start by eating right, regular exercise, and you need to tell yourself when to stop eating. But it all seems so tough at the beginning, but now I'm getting a hang of it.
I asked myself last year “What else can you do before you turn into a new decade? Stepping into the powerful 3rd Series Club” hehehe… So the most memorable thing I did was a gift to me. I lost weight and I am darn proud of it.

Hey! did I mention I got my nose pierced? Hehehehe.. Yup! I got myself a nose stud now. It's one of those wild things I got crazy for and just did it when I saw my sister pierced her nose so what the heck, I did it too. I like it though. Every time I look into the mirror, I see this tiny diamond stud on top of my nose all shiny and sparkling. Sorta like tell me that I am as shiny and sparkling too :) Gosh! Fazi you're gorgeous. hehe ^_^'

Ouh! I've finally changed my Nokia N73. I had that babe for 3 faithful years but sadly it was time to say goodbye cos the battery keeps dying on me. So I got myself a new toy to play with abd bought a new Sony Ericsson Aino. This babe is so cool with alot of cool features too. Now, I am not really a fan of gadgets and gizmos and I’m not so into latest tech stuff. A mobile phone for me is more like… like… eerr.. well… like.. a.. (Duh)… a mobile phone. So what the heck you use a phone for? Mainly to communicate with people from distance and with some extra bonus features you can send messages and stuffs. Latest phone these days allows you to take photos too and my phone has a 8.1 megapixal camera. Cooooolll... Now, I’m always a fan of beautiful pictures. It fascinates me when I see a nice shot. Those time and moment freeze in picture is simply amazing. And, I like taking loads of photos. Pictures to me are a memory as I am quite forgetful and taking pictures gives me a pleasure… a satisfaction. I can’t afford those fancy huge cameras. For me, my Sony Aino gives me the equal pleasure as well cos it allows me to capture these amazing images anytime anywhere and best of all.. I can also share it instantly in Facebook. Best kan? It also has a built in wifi allowing me to log into web, anywhere and anytime. There's also the built in GPS, MP3 player.. 8GB memory.. Phew! Here I go bragging about my phone. hehe.. Starbucks is usually my hotspot. It’s my place to hang out nowadays for a good cup of Caramel Macchiato and just chillex while browsing the net. Huh! Cool kan? :D

What else? Well… let’s talk about HIKING? Now, hiking has never been an interest to me. The sweat, the heat, the walk, the climb, the aching back & feet and muscle cramps…. never really a good friend my mine. But still, I put all those behind, endured the pain… and managed to conquer Pantai Kerachut hike. Sounded more like I hike up mount Kinabalu… but no.. it was just here in Penang. But it was worth it. Thanks to my buddies too. They really motivated me to not chicken out half way and talked me into finishing it. It was all good and I had a great time.




Arrghh.. There are so many things to write here. All those things I did.

Things are finally turning brighter for me after so long. I am enjoying myself every bit of it. May Allah SWT bless me all the way.

Will keep my post here active.. InsyaAllah.

Sh*t..

Shi*t.. Shi*t.. Shi*t..
How can I forget to pay up my credit card bill huh?? For 2 months plak tu. WTF!
Sigh! And worse of all.. I have been getting all these reminders via sms and also phone calls, and I totally ignored it. Thinking that I can put a delay to it for a while.. Yeah right!! I still missed to make the payment until BAAMM.. I got slapped with the 2nd reminder asking me to settle the minimum payment before SHI*T.. my name get raised in the Bank Negara record.. That’s serious stuff wey!
Damn it! I have to get my financial priorities straight. Things have been getting out of hands these past couple of months. It’s like what I earn is not what I get. Everything’s going for something.. Somewhere.. And before you know it... I’m totally broke! Feel like crying out loud most of the time. Sigh! I hate credit cards. Trust me when you apply for them, they promise all these wonderful things to you, it’s all a game play I say. Part of the scam to attract you and to lure you in and by the time you know it. You might have over spent above your income limit, and then you’ll go and buy things you don’t really need and wonder why you bought it at the first place. “Why pay cash when you can pay with your credit card” they say. Sish! The sucking part of the truth reality is, nothing is free when you purchase with your credit card. There is reward for the points you spent on. But these points is nothing to shout about compared to the $$ you will have pay at the end of the month when you’re slapped with the bill. Sigggggghhhh!
Can I put the blame totally on the inauspicious year of 2010? It’s an even number year. I remember facing some sorta similar problem back in 2008. See, I don’t have this luck with even number years. Good things happen to me on odd years.
Hmm.. But I wouldn’t say 2010 is all that bad. I have a good number of things that happened this year. And some of the good things involve me in it. Good things do happen and bad things happen occasionally. Well, it’s how you manage your problems that matters.
I need to settle my card debts by end of this week. Sigh! Hope these kinda things don’t happen again.

blog blug bloggin'..

Blekqq..
This is one of the most simple and short way of expressing myself these days. Suck doesn't it? I have Q4 coming to an end soon. There’s less then 2 months for job completion, JCFs to sign, project sign-offs, deliveries to meet... blab bla.. I’m like way on top with work and see... I am too stressed; I’m blogging during office hours. Hehehe. (alasan). But it’s the truth. All there project execution and sales order tracking making me sick to my stomach. It gets worse when you have crappy people you have to work with and you get minimum co-operation from them. These suckers need to be reminded all the time on how to do their work and even after several reminders, they still miss it and go “oops.. lupa la cheq..” hotak hang lupa. Phew! (relax fazi.. calm down.. deep breath). I can’t afford to be in stress. Cos study shows, Stress can lead to many disastrous situations and believe me, I have experienced it many many times.
I’m bored with all these daily routine in life. I tend to get bored very easily. Weird! That is why I have pledged to myself to make a difference in life. Change for good.. change for the better I say. Stress will always be there so there’s no escape from it. But at the same time, we need to work out way to find solutions for these stresses on how we can overcome it. So what do I do? I engage myself in activities I find interest in. I keep myself occupied and do more stuff I like. I go out more often with family and friends. Do things I like to do and most importantly.... I give priority to my health now. And trust me... It feels GREAT and I’m lovin’ it. It’s all good and it helps me release those negative vibes and helps me calm down. I pick my fat bones up and I do it! No more excuses nowadays. Those things I gave excuses before... Now I actually do it. hehehehe.. Well, this is telling ya that I am moving forward in life... the positive way. I have found ways to deal with my stress and believe me... It feels great! I feel more alive, I live a better life, health wise has improved, social wise improved as well. I feel great as I do see result from all if this. Especially the good result concerning my health.
Life can be tough at times but we should take it up as challenges and work our way with it. Love what you do and you will feel better.
Just the other day, I was looking at some photos taken a few months back. And I gotta admit, I'm proud to say that I am now NOT what I used to be. I have changed and still trying my best to change for a better life. Best of all, my changes has also inspired others to follow and I feel proud. The “Prior Fat Girl” is not so fat anymore... and she is inspiring others to go for healthy lifestyle. All for the purpose of good health and better future :) May Allah SWT bless me and give me strength to move forward.
Hey! I'm turning *0 this coming November wey! The beginning of a new decade in my life. I need to do something that I can use to look back into and say "Hey! I've done that before I turn (ehem.. )*0. and I’m proud if it.
So.. a few more days to go before the actual BIG day. I can't wait to celebrate. At the same time, I'm like freakin' sad cos I won't be able to say "I'm in my 20s.." ANYMORE! huwawawa... *cryin* I bet you know my agre by now.. hehehehe.. suspend konon.

Well, I’ll list down those interesting things I've done before I turn *0.... soon :)

Feeling

I have discovered a pattern about how and what I update in my blog. I notice I often update entries when times I feel down, upset, angry, frustrated, depressed, sad or simply not in a mood for any pleasant happy thoughts. Almost all my entries are my express of remorse and unhappiness and I often let it out here cos well... I guess it’s just hard to share it with anyone fearing they might not understand what I’m going through. What if they laugh at me? What if they think my problem is nothing for me to be upset about? Sometimes, other people won’t realize, it might not be personal to them, but it’s personal to me.
My life is boring. Hate to admit it but it’s a fact cos I hardly engage in any interesting or happening activities. So, most of my times are either spent at home or at work. Happiness for me is a great deal but overall I am happy really. And sometimes, I do share my happy experiences here. Hoping I would read it someday in future and when I do, I’ll feel happy about it all over again.
Sharing feelings are not something I’m quite good at. I do talk to my friends and family about it sometimes but I don’t share everything. What can you possibly share with your friends? Boyfriend problems... family problems... issues at work or simply about an annoying or superb someone you come in path with. Well, how about your family? Hm... Tough question ek? But honestly... my family is quite supportive. But they can be quite a pain too. Heck! What are families for right? You win some.. you loose some :p Well, sometimes, you can share a lot of things with your favourite sisters... simple things like about a cute guy I met... How he gave me goosebumps when he just turns around at me and smiles :) hehehe... or that bitchy boss I just hate so much... sheesh! And with your loving and caring mum... well, almost everything about what’s going on in your life. Well, sometimes, not everything too. How about your dad? What can you share with him? I question myself a lot on what I can share with my dad.

My dad is my hero. He’s a brilliant man and growing up under his shadow and guidance has taught me great deals about life. He’s a very wonderful man, very knowledgeable, very informative, very disciplined, very organized, much respected, very well recognized among our relatives and his friends and people he work with. People often seek his guidance and advice on certain things.
But sometimes dad can really say things which make your feelings hurt. I love him so much but why can’t he understand that I have feelings too and my feelings are very fragile. I’m a very sensitive person and I tend to get offended and hurt very easily. Sometimes, this mix feeling of emotion is kept inside me and I don’t share it with anyone.
Dad... it’s tough trying to be the perfect daughter all the time. I am trying my best to be a good daughter and make you happy but sometimes, I need some help from you too. Please try to understand me and that I love you so much. I still need your guidance and support cos there are certain things I just couldn’t handle on my own. But sometimes, you also need to understand that I cannot be always right and you cannot be right all the time too. We are not perfect... None of us are. But what we can do is try to make the best out of life and enjoy it in any possible way. People make mistakes... so do we.
I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt your feelings dad. I love you so much.

You can let go...

I love this song. I've tried to find the MP3 version of it but just couldn't find it. Susah mau cari lah. Hm.. everytime I see this song will surely bring tears to my eyes.
This heartwarming story captures the life cycle of a daughter and her father and his daughter as they share the moments to remember in life. Thanks to 'Crystal Shawandas ballad, You Can Let Go. The value of Everlasting Love is poignantly conveyed in an encouraging message for all ages.

Goodbye is the saddest thing to say...

The saddest thing to say is indeed 'GoodBye'.. Especially when it is said by someone you dearly love and cherish.

I usually skip this song from Celine Dion. Even though most of my friends told me this song is really nice but I just didin't bother to listen to it until today. I almost cried.. I had to hold back my tears cos this song is really beautiful. And Celine really sang it so well.

Mother's day is coming soon. Hm.. I better start making plans from now and celebrate it with mum. I want to make sure she's happy always. There are alot of things that's going on right now in her life. She's mostly worried especially about her childrens. About Kak Idah's sickness, about Kak Eton's life, about kak Shida's family and about my future. She is especially worried about me cos I am the youngest one and the only one who's still not married. But mum.. dont worry ok. Your daughters are all well and life just moves on.

CELINE - Goodbye's (The Saddest Word)

Mamma
You gave life to me
Turned a baby into a lady

Mamma
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mamma
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

Mamma
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you gave me will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You are to me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you always
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I promise you, Mamma

Mamma, I'll be
I'll be your beacon through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'till forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Till we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye

I need some time-off..

Lately, I’ve been getting some irritating and hurtful comments about my weight. What the @#$&%!* hell is wrong with you people? Don’t they realize that sometimes their sharp words can hurt other people’s feelings? Why is it so difficult for these people to watch their words and mind their language? Just because I am a bit (ehem..) oversized, doesn’t mean I have no feelings or my feelings IS NOT covered with fat ok. I know and I understand my body very well, better then you do and I do care for my body so you guys please.. before you give such comments, tengok2 la dulu... hati dan perasaan orang. I’m sick of these people. People who always look and evaluate other people flaws but they often fail to see the damages in their own life? So bug off ok!
Sigh! I am sometimes sick and tired of these kinda people’s attitude towards others. Sometimes, It’s just too impossible to get away from them cos they are just there no matter where you go.

Lately, I’ve been having that weird feeling again. It was the feeling where the world is closing in and I am alone again. Damn! I hate that feeling. The feeling of being lost in your own space and you are wondering around looking for a way out. What do you call that kinda feeling anyway? Am I growing depressed or what?? Hmmm.. I also had some weird dreams too. I dreamt of huge massive FIRE... TWICE. A few months back I dreamt that a part of Seberang Prai caught fire and we can actually feel the heat and see the sky all dark and orangey with smoke billow up in the sky. The heat was so intense until we can feel it from Penang. The debris was carrying fire sparks and it is falling on some houses and causing it to catch fire as well. I was desperately trying to keep my house all wet by sprinkling water from the hose so that it won’t catch fire. (Haah! ada macam cerita Steven Spielberg tak?.. hehe) But, seriously... should I be worried? Or could it be that probably my mind is playing tricks on me cos I am excausted. Well, lately I’m not so in a mood at work as well. Probably that could play a factor to all these weird dreams. Did I tell you I even dreamt about my boss... hehehehe... this is funny. Huhu.. I dreamt that my lady boss is having an affair.. with a malay dude some more. Very creepy. Hehe.

So, I need a time-off. I need to break free from all these nonsense and go somewhere. Get away from all these hectic life schedules. So, the other day, I went on a road trip to Tanjung Dawai with my mum, my auntie and Ijah. Just a good long drive along the old road to Sungai Petani. No proper plans made. Just got up that morning and told my mum.. “Jom pe tanjung Dawai nak?” and my mum just said ok... Probably, she wants to buy all that ikan bilis and ikan kering kot. Hehehe.. Mum wanted to go along the old route to Sungai Petani so my auntie lead the way and Yup! We got lost. My auntie lead the way and somehow we ended up at the Butterworth Cargo Terminal and paid RM1.20.. TWICE just to get in and out of there. Don’t ask me how we ended up there cos I had no idea. Hehehe... Hey! At least we got the chance to see Penang plak from Butterworth and it was so beautiful.


Anyway, I called my uncle and after confirming the correct route to take, we headed into Bagan Ajam and soon we were on our way to Sungai Petani... via the old route. Sigh! Hehehe. The main thing is, although we were lost, we still managed to enjoy and share laughter and it was all in good fun. It was almost 3pm and we made a quick stop at Kepala Batas for our excellent lunch at Kedai Ikan Bakar Din. Memang syiok gila la. Very delicious choices of seafood to choose from but I didn’t take the huge giant prawn cos it cost RM30-40 per prawn o_0 Mahal giler wey... I went like “Brapa udang nih pakcik??” all excited faced cos I wanted to take if he said Rm10-15 per piece. But instead, the pakcik said “30/40 hinggit sekor... nak??” "eeerrr... hehehe" I just gave him a sheepish smile and quickly walked away to the other side :p So, I ended up taking 2 huge piece of Ikan bakar pari, Ikan terubok for mum, one plate full of sotong and daging bakar, telur ikan, ulam2.. and it cost only RM44 for 4 person. Not bad ek. Check out this blog errr.. since I didn’t take any pictures cos I was eerrr.. ‘busy’..
--> http://orangkecilorangbesar.blogspot.com/2009/06/restoran-ikan-bakar-din-kepala-batas.html

We reached Tanjung Dawai at around 4pm. As usual, the suffocating smell of dried fish filled the air. Mak dengan makcik apa lagi... eehhhmmm... borong jer la hehehehe. All I bought was some packets keropok tue pun cos they sold 4 packets for 10 bucks. Kira ok la. Check out these pictures I took. Unfortunately, I cannot take photo of the smell. Otherwise, you would have known how bad it really stinks. :p phew!



By the time we reached home... it was around 7pm. But the whole trip was all in good fun. My mum was happy cos she managed to stock up her ikan bilis and ikan kering supply. As for myself... I get some time-off and get to relax and enjoy myself.

Mr Zac

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENCIK ZAC ZAINI..

MAY ALL YOUR WISHES, HOPES AND DREAMS COME TRUE. MAY YOUR DAYS BE FILLED WITH LOTZ OF LOVE AND SUNSHINES, LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.. MAY ALLAH SWT BLESS YOU ALWAYS...


Happy Birthday my dear friend :)

.
.
.

eeerr.. So apacam Encik Zaini?
After our SMS chats tadi... ada 'Gemba Bumi' tak? So, ada 'Tsunami' warning ke? hehehe...

An unexpected result..

Long story cut short.. That interview I attended last week, well, I just found out from my friend that I didn’t get the job. Apparently they decided to hire another candidate who’s probably is much hotter then I am. Probably wears sexy mini skirts that reveals her sexy hairless legs and probably top unbuttoned shirt that reveals her busty lines. Sigh! What wild imagination. Makes me want to check out who this person who they think is much more qualified then I am...

The minute I heard the result from my friend... well, honestly speaking... I was heartbroken. I was really looking forward for this job. And the way my friend described the whole job availability made it sound like I almost got it already and attending the interview is just for a formality purpose. This sucks you know. I was too convinced that I would get it. I also drafted my resignation letter hoping that I just have to add the dates, sign the damn latter and throw it at my boss’s face. Well, the dream won’t come true. At least not now. Looks like I’m still stuck here. Working my same ole’ boring routine work and hoping for a change. Though I would be very much happy if ‘she’ who shall not be named resigns. I bet life would be much more simpler and happier.

Gotta keep on going

Great!! It’s already the month of April. I have another 7 months to go to my birthday.(0_o)

A lot if things have happened these past few days. Nothing sweet or sincere. There’s a lot of bitter heart and grudges going on actually. I feel like my work is beginning to show the other side of it... the other bitter side of it. Work has always been pleasurable even though sometimes you really feel like you’re been choked, but it was always a pleasure. But lately, I really have no mood to work. Could it be because I am looking forward for the job change? Or could it be because the lack of motivation to work here. I mean, what's the point beb?? You are not appreciated and the worse thing is, you feel like you are being stepped on even harder. Everytime you just do something you think is right, there's always a fullstop. You think you are performing well and the next thing you know, you are being evaluated and being so called 'reviewed'. That's what I got last week Friday. Apparently my boss dunno who she could pick on so she choose me! Blardy hell... Who she think she is.. What's that term she used!! oh yah!! "Set expectation alignment with Cost down Methodology" in short what my boss is trying to tell me is that "there's no increment this year" Blardy arsh. Just imagine, you worked your ass off last year for a good year of success. We managed to achieve our sales no. by 106%. That’s an increase of another 6% out of the total no. and last year was the highest no we have ever achieved in Penang sales history. But for what?? We work so hard hoping for a better reward, instead we got CRAP! Yup.. stinky gooey sickening CRAP!! Sigh! Well, I dunno... but what ever it is, I need to pick up the pace and start working.. work... work... work.. WORK GRRRrrr...

I like this song from Miley Cyrus. I’ll always remember those last words in the song.
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith....

Right now, I just have to push myself. I know I might be miles and miles away from what I truly desire in life but I just need to push myself to reach there. I know working here can be a pain sometimes, but I just have to do it. With my current financial status, I really cannot afford to lack. Ya Allah... please help me and show me the right path. Please show me some light.


The Climb By Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb...

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

I am SO de-motivated right now :(

Everyone is working around the clock for the quarter closing. There’s a lot of sales orders to close, customer’s deadline to meet, documentation to prepare.. bla bla bla.. and on top of that, I have an AM chasing me with a tender for submission this Thursday. There are a lot of things she needs to settle and she attended a seminar this morning. Sigh! The sense of responsibility some people carries sometimes amazes me.

Anyway, just now after the meeting, a colleague broke a bad news that I was not expecting at all... No Increment this year.... I went like WHAAATTT!!#@?? “Are you f*cking kidding me? All that hard work put up for last year to get the best achievement in sales ever for Northern all wasted for nothing. Some of the big shots get to go for oversea trips for their so called achievements for 2009, and all those who are back-stage contributors to close the sales gets CRAP!! What is the world leading to nowadays?

There you go, another good point and all the more reason why I should move out now while I still have the chance.

BIG Sigh!!