Luahan Hati

Hmm… here I am again, in a state of mix feelings and overwhelmed with emotional pain.

Crying now… I’m tired. I just don’t want to go through this anymore.

Why? Why do I deserve to be hurt over and over again? Apakah salah aku untuk curahkan segala kasih sayang terhadap dia. Jaga dia, sayang dia… and in the end, for what? To be treated this way. Why do I keep falling into all those lies, all those promises, all those false hopes, all those fake emotions?

Ya Allah! Letih sungguh.

Ok… lama tak singgah sini. Rindu juga untuk luahkan hati dan perasan yang terkubur lama. Bukan sengaja, tapi terleka. Terlalu mengikut pengedaran masa sampai lupa untuk berhenti seketika untuk diri sendiri. That’s right, I hardly give time for myself. I’m living my life for others and they take me for granted. Sigh! Penat la. Sedih sangat bila hati nie dilukai oleh insan tersayang. Orang yang tak memahami, orang yang tak peduli.

I just don’t wish to go through all these sad emotions anymore. And I still have hope and I do pray and asking Allah’s blessing to help me get through these tough times. InsyaAllah, I still do believe, there’s a solution to all problems. You just have to have faith and believe.

Why don’t you talk your feelings out to someone, you may ask?? Well, tak semua yang sudi mendengar luahan hati kita. Semuanya sibuk dengan hal sendiri. Setengah tue mengaku jer kawan baik, but apparently they’re not. I just don’t want to hear anymore of those “dah la, dah la” shit from friends who tend to shut you off cos they’re not interested to hear you. All they know what to say is “dah la tu jangan seedy sedey, dah nasib nak buat macam mana, dah la jangan piker bukan bukan, dah la jangan sensitive sangat, sabar fazi, banyakkan berdoa…” WTF huh? Salah ke you all dengar dulu luahan hati aku. Dengar dulu apa aku nak kata. Instead if giving me all these cheap crappy, pointless advices, why don’t you just stay silent and listen to me? You all ingat aku tak tau nak buat ke menda nie semua hah? Bersabar, jangan sedih, banyakkan berdoa… Kalau tak tahu buat semua tue, tak la aku hidup sampai skarang. Why is it when someone in need of a friend to talk to, turns to you and you go ahead and push them away with all these “dah la.. dah la..” nonsense?Sure you're busy, so please go ahead and tell that person, you're busy. Don't waste their time, hurt their feelings and in the end, make it worse. 

I was confused and in need of someone to talk to.. Thank God I get to turn to the one and only friend who I know will listen closely to me and comfort me. Sadly, people like this, aku pulak yang tak keep in touch. Bodoh jugak aku sometimes. So sorry Sharon. I’m so sorry for not keeping in touch with you. Sometimes, I forget how I need a good friend to be with me. You’re there.. and I am still wandering. I had a long chat with her the other day, and I tell you, I’m blessed to have her. She listened, she cared for me, she advices me and she comforted me. That’s what I want. 

I’m not sure what I should call this post.. Luahan Hati perhaps cos it’s just how I feel now. I need to start thinking more of myself, concentrate on what’s best for me as well. To love another is important, but to love yourself, it takes a great deal and its far more important then anything else.