Series of Emotions...

There are things in life we just couldn’t explain. 

For instance, why do we cry sometimes when we're happy? It's an unexplainable reaction but people call it tears of joy. When our heart is overwhelmed with emotion, we just couldn’t resist shedding tears. You are just too happy, you feel like crying.

People do crazy things when they are over-powered with emotions.  Things you do when you are happy, sad, angry or scared. When you are confused, frustrated, disappointed or mad. For instance, how a mother cries and hugs her son because she’s proud of him, seeing him graduating top of his class. When a father is very angry and scolds his child for breaking his favourite guitar. When a sad woman gives up in life and decided to commit suicide just because her stupid boyfriend is seeing someone else. When a child is too scared to sleep alone after watching a horrible ghost movie, woke the parents up in the middle of the night. Or maybe when you start pulling your hair or biting your nails because you’re confused and out of ideas on how to complete your assignments.

Weird isn’t it…

Speaking about sad emotions, most people like to keep their problems to themselves. No one knows what’s causing their grief or why they’re unhappy. Most people don’t like to talk about their problems or discuss with others on how they feel. Nor do they try to work on finding solutions to overcome it. No matter what happen to them, they just quietly accept it as fate and choose to be silent. Yeah sure, remaining silent pays off at times, but you need to remember, if your sad emotion is not managed properly, it can build up and often sparks anger when you just couldn’t hold it anymore. When this happens, you tend to show it off on people around you, especially the ones you love. Often, people who are sad and depressed, end up bursting into emotion stress condition and most of the time, the action taken during this period always end up in remorse.

That is exactly what I experienced last weekend. Yes! I was overcome with emotion, I was just too sad and depressed, I cried for no apparent reason… just suddenly burst into tears. I said some things I now regret and wish I haven't said.

Banyak sangat ujian hidup yang terpaksa ditempuhi. Especially bila orang yang kita sayangi ialah yang paling banyak menguji kesabaran kita. I was left feeling sad, confused and frustrated when my love is taken for granted. Semuanya ada saja yang tak kena, semuanya ada saja nak menguji. Kesabaran kita diuji semakin hari until it comes to a point where you just couldn’t take it anymore. I often keep quiet and I kept my emotions silently with me because I don't want anyone to know how I feel. Probably because, I was afraid, people might not understand. So often I just burst into tears and cried myself to sleep.

Lately, my relationship with dad has been quite sore. There are things he does I just couldn’t come in terms with, especially when it involves mum. He gets angry very quickly and small matters seem to spark his anger these days. He say things to hurt mum’s feeling and when he does, I just couldn’t stand to see my mum left hurt and feeling sad. But to my surprise, she just ignores it and chooses to remain quiet. I've asked her many times, and everytime she says, years of being married to him, she understands him well and knows he doesn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Now that his high-blood pressure is quite high, he is in alot of stress and I know it is not easy. We are very worried for his health as he needs a lot of rest and he should be relaxing more. It hurts to see him feeling this way but at the same time it is painful for me too.. all those hurtful words is really bringing me down. I thought my dad and I can't get along well anymore so I came to think the best possible way to avoid any further inconveniences for both of us is to try and avoid him.

What was I thinking? How could I do that? What kind of daughter would I be if I cannot get along with my own father. The same man who raised me up and taught me about what's right and what's wrong. I failed to understand, that at times like this... he needs his family's love, understanding and support even more. I shouldn't give up just because of a few misunderstanding. Sure I'm hurt, but like my friend said, I should understand the situation and look at the matter from the positive side. I should be patience and I should learn how to manage this situation better. No matter what, I just shouldn't be away from him. I shouldn't give up.

Pa… There are times when your words has hurt my feelings many times. I often walk away without saying anything. No matter how hurt my feelings are, no matter how you try to push me away, I will still love you Pa.. and I can't imagine staying away from you. I love you so much. But all I'm asking is just some understanding from you. Please try to understand how much I love you and how I look up to you Pa. I know you still love me and care for me and even now, you are still there to protect us. How can I forget the times you used to love this little girl of yours. I still remember and cherish those times when you use to hold my hand and keep me safe. When I was young, you would carry me on your shoulder and take me out for morning walks. Still remember how I use to look down at your smile and how you will tell me stories and never fail to answer my questions. Still remember how you use to make me smile and when mum scolds me, I will run up to you and rest on shoulder. I know I can’t expect all those things anymore as I am a big girl now. True, your little girl has grown up to be an independent women but no matter what I am or who I have become, I am still and forever will be your little, youngest girl Pa. So this same girl still longing for your love. Just hope you will understand me even more. Though I have grown up… I am still here and I will forever be looking up to you.

Sigh! Emotions can be stressful at times. I didn’t like what happened but at the same time, I realized that I also didn’t try to manage the problem efficiently. I couldn’t explain why it must happen either. It just did and now, all I have to do is console myself and move on. Sure things happen to us can be unfair at times, but that doesn’t mean, you can let your emotion take control of you.

All I can say is that I learned a very valuable lesson from all this. I am not a perfect person in solving problems even sometimes problems of my own. I am just a normal person with normal feelings and I tend to be wrong and make mistakes sometimes too. But, I am trying to learn from my mistakes and look for ways to solve my problems rather then bottling it all up.

Ya Allah… kuatkan lah semangat aku. Berikan aku kemampuan dan kekuatan untuk meneruskan hidup ini dengan sebaik baiknya. Please love my family and protect them from any harm and wrong doings. I just wish the best for them and I will forever love them will all my heart.