Life goes on

I reached home around 6.15pm yesterday. My bro-in-law, kak Sida’s hubby was away to KL for a 1 day trip. She told me this morning that he came back at around 3am today. Anyway, since he was not around yesterday, I fetched my sis back from work and head straight home. Sampai jer rumah biasa lah, jejak kaki masuk dapur sure wangi bau masakan mak. Aku bau kari ikan semalam. Haih! Nie lar susah aku nak diet nie, walau kenyang macam mana pun, sure teringin nak rasa walaupun semulut masakan mak. Semalam pulak mak masak lauk ikan bawal, goreng peria and goreng ikan sardin. Aduh! terliur aku..
Aku perasaan kak Idah macam tak ceria jer petang tue. She looked upset and was sitting alone outside on the swing. Muka macam termenung panjang entah apa yang dipikirkan. Selalu ada jer masalah yang sedang dipikirkan tu. She always worries about things that have already passed… get too emotional and be bothered too much about it. Especially her damn, blood sucking, good-for-nothing, worthless, cold-hearted, lazy, stupid ***. Aku tak nak cakap pasal orang macam tue. Orang yang menyusahkan kakak-kakak aku and family aku sure tak selamat dunia akhirat. Biar dia jawap dengan Allah sebab tak menjalankan tanggungjawap dia. Especially untuk menyusahkan kakak aku walaupun dalam keadaan kak yang macam nie. Sigh! aku tak nak tegur sangat, nanti takut dia emotional. She has been very emotional lately. Well, who wouldn't be after what she's gone through? Kami semua banyak berusaha untuk menceriakan dia tiap2 hari. Ada jer aku buat lawak bodoh untuk menghiburkan hati dia. I try to spend every free time possible with her.
Dia Tanya aku "Fazi, mak beranak aku sempurna, I grow up in a perfect way also.. tadi aku tengok diri aku dalam cermin.. aku nampak CACAT fazi..."Bila aku dengar jer dia kata macam tue, aku rasa macam hati aku terberhenti jap.. tetiba gelap dunia aku… mata aku berair tanpa aku sedar. Ya Allah! Aku letak pinggan nasi aku sebelah, aku peluk dia kuat2. Aku biar dia nangis sepuas-puas hati. Aku tak tau nak berkata apa2. I was out of words to calm her down, to cheer her up. It’s not your fault kak… not your fault at all. Nie dugaan Allah yang kita tak sangka sekali. Jangan la salahkan diri you for what has happen. Being sad and thinking about this is not going to erase what that has happened. Sekarang nie, susah senang kita kena harungi dia jugak, No matter what kita kena fight to cure ourselves. Jangan la anggap kita dah cacat, bersyukur la that Allah masih lagi bagi kat kita kemampuan untuk berfikir and mengatur hidup kita dengan sendirinya. Memang senang untuk prang lain bagi semangat kat you. It’s not fair for me to say that I understand wht you’re going through. But I just don’t want you to give up.
From someone who used to be strong and cheerful ... It’s dying sad to see her to who she has become now. There are a lot of things that she has gone through in life. Dah banyak dugaan yang telah dia lalui dalam hidup.
Sampai sekarang aku susah nak terima kenyataan that dia menghidap "breast cancer” Why her ya Allah?? The same sickness that caused makcik khairoon to remove her left breast 14 years ago. tak cukup ke seksaan yang kak Idah dah terima selama nie. Masuk operation nie dah kali ketiga dia dibedah. first 2 operation is to remove fiberoid.. and now this.
I still cannot get over the words I heard from her doctor, Dr. Noel Yeoh. "I'm so sorry to say that the lump is a bad one and we had to remove the whole part of her left breast.. and it is a definite breast cancer" Allah saja yang tahu macam mana perasaan aku masa tue. No one in my family expected this to happen, especially to kak Idah. Aku menangis macam budak2 kat operation hall. Tak sedar dengan apa yang berlaku keliling aku. Aku menangis jer. Masa tue aku memang tak tau dengan sapa aku nak mengadu. Dengan sapa aku nak menangis. Aku call Nas, aku cerita kat dia and I just breakdown to her. Nas suruh aku nangis, “Nangis sepuas puas hati fazi… you nangis sepuas puas hati sekarang.. cos lepas nie, jangan you nangis dah! Lepas nie, you kena bagi semangat sekuat-kuatnya kat kakak U. Don’t you let her know that you’re sad. She shouldn’t feel depressed about what has happened… You have to be there for her more that anything” Tue la yang aku sedang usahakan sampai sekarang.
This is something that we hear people talk about, we read in articles, we hear in the health channel. But when things like this happens to someone you dearly love.. it is hard to except the reality.
Banyak lagi dugaan yang kak Idah kena tempuhi. I don't want her to give up. I need her so so so much in my life. All my life she has been there for me, whenever I'm sad or with problems, she never fails to be there for me and help me through anything. NOW, I want to be there for her, and I surely don't want her to give up.
"With the right medication and treatment, she can be completely cured" that's also the words of Dr Noel. He sounded confident and I have faith and believe in it. And bila aku dengar doktor tue kata macam tue. Aku bersemangat lebih lagi.
Kak, I love you so much. I really can't afford to loose you especially not in this way. I am not going to let you give up and this is one tough fight that you have to face… and I pray to Allah to give you the strength to battle this. I promise to me with you all the way ka.

Ya Allah… Kepada sapa lagi yang boleh aku mengadu kalau tak kepada Mu ya Allah.

DOA MEMOHON PERLINDUNGAN KEPADA ALLAH DARIPADA PENYAKIT BADAN

“Aku berlindung kepada Engkau daripada azab badan dan kesempitan dan aku berlindung daripada penyakit yang besar, pada diri dan roh dan darah dan daging dan tulang dan kulit dan urat saraf”

“Ya Allah yang mengetahui isi hati. Keluarkanlah aku daripada gelap gelita kepada cahaya terang bederang hidayat petunjuk”
- Thank U fidah for sharing this with me.

Fidah banyak memberi semangat kepada aku. Dia banyak memahami apa yang sedang kakak aku lalui. Kerap jugak dia bertanyakan khabar kak Idah. Thank you fidah for all your encouragement and support and thank you so much for understand my situation during the time my sister’s was hospitalized. Not to forget Nas for her words of encouragement and also Vivien for her concern. Thank you ladies… Thank you so much.