Bloopers

One month flew by so fast… I could hardly catch my breath. Today is the last day of Jan 2008 and so far, I still haven’t figured out what I want to do for the rest of the year. Surely I have a few agenda that I need to get myself involved in. Let’s just say there are a few major ‘project’ I’m still working on. Still haven’t achieved any satisfying result, but I’m sure keeping my hopes up. I’m praying hard so that I can get through this and look forward for a healthy and happy ending… or shall I say… a beginning ;o)
Well… I must say, there are a few good things that happened. For instance, Kak Idah moved into the new house already and gosh! The place is absolutely amazing. It’s a very wonderful place for her to recuperate and to get her mind off the silly people around her. The place is cool except for a few ‘old fashioned’ renovation work dad put his ideas into. The house in painted yellow and the rooms are purple… hehehe. Serious mamak colour. But then again, I must admit… It does make the house look bright and cheerful when you enter it :) Her next door neighbor is so friendly and caring. The auntie and uncle are such nice people to be around with. Auntie sometimes pops in to say hi and see if things are ok. Abah told them about Kak Idah health condition and that made them be more protective and more concerned over my sis. The view is superb and the whole place is so spacious. Just nice for Kak Idah and the girls.
Now, my house feels empty without Kak Idah and the girls. Balik rumah saje, feel so lonely, alone and boring. Kak Idah has been staying with us for the pass 3 months since Raya. She can sometimes be too protective and over controlling… but now to think of it… It’s just pure love towards me. I love you so much kak.
What else… Sigh! At work, now that my ex-lady boss is no longer around… we report directly to our Director from main office. He comes down to penang once a week to check on us. We are having our 1st kick off meeting this coming Saturday morning… Malas la… I have to drag myself on a Saturday morning just to attend the function but as if I have any choices. Well heck, I’m just going for the buffet lunch cos the lunch there is damn good. I love their Italian buffet lunch we had for my lady boss farewell.
Okie… Gotta go now. Have to pick up Farah and Ijah from school. Kak Idah went for her chemo session today and surely she's worn out. Nanti on the way balik, aku nak singgah beli air tebu pure kat nyonya tepi jalan tue lagi. Sedap btol!
And eerr… about my updated in the post on 8th Jan below… well, let’s just say that things don’t always work out the way you want it to be. That’s life… It’s not perfect cos’ if it is then whatever you wish for would have come true. At least, I got this huge burden I’ve been carrying off my chest after I expressed myself. Like I said, I don’t expect anything in return… just wanted to let know about the feeling in me and understand that I really do care. It’s just the kind of love you have for someone you really care about... a truely close person to your heart. Seriously, it’s not that I expect him to accept me into his life, just want him to know that I… Augh!!!! (Just picture me like in the picture below… screaming my lungs out, pulling my hair :p)

Susah sangat nak explain the whole situation. Like I said, I'm not so good with words. I guess it’s just hard to make people understand what you’re actually trying to say. It’s best if I just leave things the way they are. Though I can feel that there is now a distance between us. I dunno, maybe I'm taking this whole thing too heavily. Moreover, I just can’t seem to shake off the thought that I have actually caused it… Fara, you're damn right girl! I should have followed your advice and kept my damn mouth shut. Hrgh! I just hope things will be just the way it was.

W E L C O M E * 2 0 0 8 *

Aku harapkan tahun nie 2008 membawa perubahan yang baik dalam hidup aku nanti. Segala keinginan yang dinanti-nanti semuanya tercapai.. semuanya dapat dilaksanakan. Yang paling aku hendak usahakan is perubahan terhadap diri aku sendiri. My appreance, the way I bring myself, my way of thinking… aku nak ‘upgrade’! Time for a change… for my own good.

This year 2008 came with a Bang! It started Jan 2nd with my Lady Boss punya last day. Sure sekarang baru nak release how much we appreciate her and how she has changed us to who we are right now. I can proudly say, She the best person I’ve ever worked with. The best manager anyone could have. She has really inspired me in many ways as a leader, a mentor, an advisor, a lady, a sister and a mother. Sure she can be a pain in the neck at times but most of the time, she’s just being who she is. Nothing or no one can challenge her and get away. I keep going through the times I had with her. How she welcomed me 3 years ago into her team. Everyone was quiet the whole day. Wondering and imagining how the team will be like without her. Well, now she’s gone to presue her own path in life. She wants to spend more time with her daughter and family. That’s what she wants… hurm… cuba bayangkan dia sanggup tinggalkan kerja gaji beribu-ribu semata-mata nak menjaga anak dia kat rumah. Yup! She wants to be a housewife. I have no idea how she’s going to go through it daily.. but that’s what she wants. Tak pe la.. husband millionare.. sure can afford to take care of her. Bilik boss just right behind me.. the only thing that separates us is a glass wall… now, everytime I turn around a look… there’s just an empty chair and an empty room with her name still on the glass panel. Pilu jer hati when I think about how she won’t be there for us anymore. Then again, life goes on. Somehow, it will take it’s own course.

Not to forget, aku dikejutkan lagi dengan cerita yang aku ingatkan dah selesai… Mula la aku naik confuse lagi. Fairoz… this guy appeared in my life about 5 months ago. Ada la sorang saudara aku nie introduce him to my family. Asalnya, Fairoz nie dari India. Dia dengan family dia migrate my Penang about 10 years ago. Konon nyer dia lahir kat sini, masa umur dia 4 tahun, his parents bring him to India and he stayed with his grandma kat situ. Fairoz is a very nice guy. Ada jugak kadang2 aku bersembang dengan dia. Tapi entah la kenapa, aku berat hati untuk terima dia dalam hidup aku… Aku sembang pun dengan ingatkan dalam hati that he is just someone I know.. Family dia memang suka kat aku… ada la beberapa misunderstanding at the beginning. They were quite demanding and seriously my family memang tak suka semua tue. Then his parents went off to India lepas raya hari tue. Sebelum dia orang pergi, memang tak bagitau apa2 ataupun sebarang keputusan. Well, since then, Fairoz pun dah tak call aku, aku anggap jer he’s a passing cloud. My family pun setuju and they have dropped the topic of my marriage. Then suddenly, hari rabu yang lalu baru, mak Fairoz telephone tanya khabar and bagitau that dia baru balik from India and nak berbincang dengan my family. Mula la aku rasa tak senang diri… And I have my reasons for being this way.

Today… as a New Year resolution, I’m about to do something I have never done before. Aku berat hati untuk terima Fairoz because I have feelings for someone else. Someone I have known for almost 7 years and tanpa aku sedar, I think I have actually fallen for him. Aku jadi confused bila terpikir, apa sebenarnya perasaan yang aku ada terhadap dia. Sayang sebagai kawan or more then that.

Z… I know you’ll read this. I just sent you and SMS. This is so unlike me… dalam soal Cinta dan perasaan… Fazi diamkan diri jer. But I really want to know what you think of me. And I really hope that you will understand me and berharap Z akan paham perasaan Fazi. Apa gunanya memendam perasaan if tak berani nak meluahkan nya. You know very well how I really respect you and admire you in many ways. You have really inspired me and this could be one of the many reasons why I like you… why I have feelings for you.
Sekiranya apa yang Fazi luahkan disini menganggu Z, I am so so sorry... But I just want you to know how my feelings are for you... I’m sure you must have heard this from a lot of girls… who are much much much more prettier and beautiful then me… I don’t want to tell you I’m different then any of them. But I can sincerely say, my feelings for you are true. This feeling for you is something I’ve been keeping to myself all these years without realizing it. Without wanting to tell you. I actually don’t want to go through life thinking… “If only I’ve told him how I felt for him”…. “Kenapa aku tak bagitau Z” Fazi tak nak diganggu dengan soalan nie seumur hidup Fazi.
Z, you know very well I’m not good with words. But no matter what, Fazi harap persahabatan kita tak kan terjejas. Fazi hargai sangat2 persahabatan Z… It’s just that… I just want you to know..